The Super Bowl is the ultimate V.I.P. showdown. It's no place for amateurs. If you're not a V.I.P. or a beautiful person, you're not in - you're out on the sidewalk. Luckily, anyone can be a V.I.P. for a price.
First, you need a ticket to the game. And you don't need to know anybody, just Todd, who scalps tickets — all quite legally these days — at the mall.
"Good seats are gonna run you about $11,000, or $3,000 would be upper level end zone," said Todd, who owns Todd's Tickets. "141s are 40-yard-line lower level and those went for $8,500 a ticket. We have anywhere from the end zone to the 50-yard line and they're going from anywhere from $3,500 and up."
How about a sky box?
"They're going from $100,000 to $250,000, depending on how big the box is," Todd said.
Want to go to a big V.I.P. party?
"Biggest party right now is the Ocean Drive party," Todd said. "It's a big concert on the beach with Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez and it's also with Fergie."
Tickets to that show are $1,250 for general admission. For the V.I.P. area, they cost $3,500.
"The sky is the limit *#0151; there's no limit to what kind of V.I.P. you can become; it's just how deep your pockets are," Todd said.
To be the best V.I.P. I could be I couldn't pinch pennies at a place like this — I needed to stay at a place like the Delano, where rooms run $795 to $5,000 a night.
"There's nothing available," Geist was told. "Unfortunately not. It's Super Bowl weekend and we are sold out."
To be a real V.I.P. you must also dine at the right places, like Joe's Stone Crabs. They all want to dine there, but unless you're a V.I.P., there'll be quite a wait, and of course you have to have a proper ride, preferably a long limo. I had the more sensible mini-van but tried to make the best of it. The most affordable route to V.I.P.-dom was bodyguards — $108 an hour for each.
But soon my bodyguard budget was gone and it was back to reality. So what's an average fan to do?
Can't hang with the hip at V.I.P. parties? There's lots of things to do. Your average not-all-that-important-person might visit Parrot Jungle Island, which is not just parrots.
It's nice to get out and enjoy the flora and fauna over in the swamp, too. After all, South Florida is home to the Everglades, which is home to animals like alligators and blue heron.
You can tour historic sites like Elian Gonzalez's house. His uncle Delfin has turned it into a museum and something of a shrine.
Football's not the only spectator sport in town. Miami is a hot spot for beach volleyball.
Your Average Joe is always welcome at the Skunk Ape Research Headquarters and Souvenir Shop. Top research scientist David Shealy has spent his life studying the skunk ape.
"The skunk ape is kind of what people describe as Big Foot in the Pacific Northwest, but down here they're a little bit smaller. A large male may grow to 400 - 450," he said. "It smells like a skunk. Half-man, half-ape. That's exactly what I saw, and I've seen it more than once."
And yes, he has proof: video good enough for you? Shealy said his research is going well, and a number of Super Bowl fans came to learn more about the skunk ape.
The not-very-important-person can't get into clubs and lavish parties. But there are other hotspots. We were waved right into the Century Village Pembroke Pines Clubhouse which was sizzling on Latin night. And on Super Bowl weekend, what happens in Century Village, stays in Century Village.